Best Excuse I've Ever Heard xD

So a video-maker that I'm a fan of doesn't have any updates or new videos for a while due to personal reasons, and someone sends him a message asking if he "fell off the face of the earth".

Him, being detailed and sarcastic, made up this epic story:
"So let me explain. I did in fact fall off the face of the planet.

My journey began during an exotic sailing expedition I took near the end of May. Strong currents and unpredictable winds combined with a malfunction of my navigation equipment left me stranded in the middle of the Atlantic ocean, weeks away from any land mass. As my food and water supply dwindled, I knew that I had a tough decision to make. Either I die of dehydration in a few days when my water ran out, or I try my luck with the silver, half-translucent shard that I wore around my neck. I chose the latter.

Let me explain. You see, years ago I met a mystic in India who claimed to have killed a god, and from its body taken three triangular “shards” of reality. Each shard, I was told, contained the power to distort and alter the very fabric of existence.

Naturally I didn’t believe a word of it. That is, until the mystic led me to the body of the god that he had slain. What I saw that day changed me. The “body” was small, about the size of a small child, and showed no signs of decomposition. It had no discernible face, and its limbs were long, lanky and jointed in very unhuman-like places. But what truly terrified me about this dead “being” was the color. A color that I had never seen before and, after leaving, could no longer even picture in my mind. It was a shade and texture that simply does not exist. An impossible color.

The mystic died a week or so later, killed senselessly by a lowly street thief. When I heard of his death I broke into his house and selfishly took one of the three shards. I do not know what became of the other two.

Which brings me back to my ship, and my horrible decision to use the shard. As I gripped the smooth, silver triangle between my fingers, I felt a cold chill forming inside my being. A chill that felt uncomfortably familiar… as if it were leaking into my past, infecting my memories. I should have stopped – all of my instincts were telling me to put the shard down and accept my fate, to die at sea with honor.

I no longer remember the moment that I used the shard. All I remember is the terrible sound that came afterwards. A thick, almost physical sound that, like the color of the dead god, seemed impossible. But within a few moments the sound became clear, and I was so overwhelmed by what I was hearing that I would have taken my own life just to escape it.

It was everything. Every word ever spoken, every scream and every giggle. The last breath of every murder victim, the first laugh of every baby. It was the spectrum of human existence – every good, bad and mundane moment in the lives of all whom had ever walked the earth, being repeated to me for what seemed like an eternity.

Mercifully, the shard had also created an opening in space that I eventually fell through. An opening to where, I do not remember. All I know is that I had fallen off the very face of the planet, and away from that horrible sound.

I have vague memories of the weeks that followed, quick flashes of events that now seem completely alien to me. Eventually I returned home, although I cannot remember how or when.

All that I have left of that trip is a feeling, a terrible feeling now permanently injected into the very core of my psyche. A feeling that tells me the sound will be back, waiting for me on the other side of my inevitable death. Only this time there will be no exit, no end. Just me and the sound, that unbearable symphony of existence, for all of eternity."


I should totally memorize that and try it on a teacher. xD

Teacher: Why did you forget your homework?

Me: Well...........

Teacher: O_O'. Screw it you get an A for the year.

the worst excuse I ever heard was probably:
Shuton: Why were you two late?
Niomi: Well I was on my way here, when I saw a spider. I got scared and ran away screaming
Matthew: I saw her run away so I went after her and asked what was wrong
Niomi: So I dragged him to the spider and then we both ran away screaming
Matthew: And then I tripped and hit my head
Niomi: So I took him to the nearest medical office, which was the school nurse
Matthew: She said there was nothing wrong and promptly kicked us out
Niomi: So we were on our way here through the elevator when it conviniently shut down
Matthew: So we're stuck in an elevator. Niomi suggests we climb out the hatch on the roof and so we do.
Niomi: Then we went through the ventalation system but it couldn't take our weight so we fell out of the newly made opening.
Matthew: Right in front of the principal
Niomi: We got detention and have to spend 2 hours after school with the principal.
Matthew: Then we were escorted here.
Niomi: And that's why we're late
Shuton:... That's the second most unbelievable excuse I've ever heard.
Principal's secretary: Matthew, Niomi, your detention will be served in the cafeteria
Shuton:...
That's the worst excuse I've ever heard, even though no real person ever said it. The one grim found beats this one any day.

lol like the time the teacher told why i was late, i said the bell rang, she said oh ok
lol i was surprised it worked

Bwahahaha. Not really an excuse but one time we had a sub in Chem taking people's phones because they were being douchebags about it (note: after this day the school rules about phones changed for the stricter). I was texting off to my side and my friend had her agenda down to make it look natural. She whispers "He's coming..!" I shoved my phone underneath my kneecap and started pointing at elements in the periodic table and he believed it. I was lolz.

Teacher: Why were you late?
Me: I wasn't late...
Teacher: Yes you were.
Me: No I wasn't...
Teach: Yes you were!
Me: No...
Teach: Yes.
Me: No.
Teach: Yes.
Me: Yes.
Teach: No you weren't. Now take your seat!
Me: Okay teacher. Whatever you say...

Teacher: Why were you two late to class
Me: We were caught in a car crash
Teacher: In the hall?
My friend: Yes in the hall
Teacher: I dont believe you
Me: Do you have enough proof to prove that were lieing?
Teacher: Just take your seats....

Teacher-Why didnt you do your homework
Student 1- I stayed up late with other work
Teacher- Reasonable
Student 2-I had to work all day
Teacher- Reasonable
Student 3- My dog ate it
Teacher- Reasonable
Student 4- I mistook it for fire place starter and burned it
Teacher- Reasonable
Me- I forgot to do it
Teacher- NO EXCUSES!
Me-Ok, i lied aliens broke into my house killed my gfamily and raped my dogs so i had to fight them off but during the fight i split grape juice on it and it was wrecked ,OK?
Teacher-........Reasonable
Me In My Head- Wow is that even posible?