Pokemon Blue & Red - The Parody

I don't want anything.

"What do you mean by that? C'mon Anonymous IP, trust me, those sexual harrasment rumors are mostly false... So be a good little kid and choose one of the pokemon I'm apparently giving away in exchange for nothing."

-Choose Bulbasaur
-Choose Squirtle
-Leave lab

Squirtle

Squirtle
Tiny turtle
Height: 0.5 m
Weight: 9.0 kg

Pokesdex says: "This pokemon is the result of a long series of cruel and painful experiments, where a squirrel and a turtle succesfully brooded Squirtle."

This hybrid has the speed and agility of a turtle, and the perseverance and wisdom of a squirrel. Or maybe it's the other way? The point is this pokemon has the best out of the mix of 2 good and noble animals we had to murder in order to make the crossing. Would you like to choose Squirtle, the slippery pokemon?

-Yes
-No

Sure thing.

"So you choose Squirtle huh? Good choice! It appears that part of your damaged brain still works! Another dumbass would have chosen a dirty Charmander or a pathetic Bulbasaur, but you choose the best of the best. Just be careful not to catch a cold."



"Oh, you are choosing the WATER type (yes, I put it in caps to make it sound important), Anonymous IP? In that case, because you are such an idiot to let me choose afterwards, I'm going to choose the PLANT type because it contrasts. Now we fight"

*Tururunya- tururunya-waruwaruwaru
PAAB, guruguruguru ru* *Ren's improvising of battle music*



'Insert obscene name here' would like to battle.

"Ready for a fair battle?"
"Eh? I thought he was receiving his first pokemon today, noone told me he would be carrying more than one. Are those 14 pokeballs I see? Is that even allowed? It doesn't matter, I will give my all... who am I kidding, I will surely lose"



'Insert obscene name here' sent Venusaur
"Venusaur? What the hell? Wasn't it a Bulbasaur? And how is it even possible to have reached lvl 100 in such a short time?! Whatever, I knew I would lose so I will just fight. Go Squirtle!

-Growl
-Leer
-Sand Attack
-Tail Whip

Squirtle use Leer!

SQUIRTLE used an useless attack!
But it failed!
What did you expect? You only have idiotic attacks that won't even tickle your oponent! Definitely your pokemon is a dicky, now it makes sense why that old fart was giving it away. Who cares, the battle continues...



VENUSAUR used Solarbeam!
Critical hit!
Super effective!



SQUIRTLE fainted!

Or that's what we tell little kids to not traumatize them with the news that their pokemon died. The point is, you lost the battle, what a loser...



"I won! Definitely you are no match for me! I don't know what was I thinking, wasting my precious time battling (if that's what YOU call it) against someone as weak as you. After all, I showed you that I'm better than you in every and all aspects, again. You will never beat me in anything!"

-Bribe give money to rival
-Restart game (from "choosing pokemon")

restart game

"Anonymous IP! , I see you've arrived! Here are 3 pokemon, they are inside the pokeballs! When I was young I was a good pokemon trainer, even though it's hard to believe... Well not that good though... Uhm, the case is that now I'm just an old solitary man that dedicates to hang out with minors. But now 3 pokemon is all that I have left, blame those Nigglets that steal everything. I will give you one, which one would you like?"

Select Charmander
-Select Bulbasaur
Select Squirtle
I don't want anything from you, you old perv

The hidden fifth option which only chooses the option that is left.

Bulbasaur
Seed
Height: 0.7 m
Weight: 6.9 kg

Pokedex says: "Bulbasaur is some sort of a mutant frog specie, with a lettuce glued to its back."

Bulbasaur is a PLANT pokemon, being that it is a mix of a frog and a flower. Apart from being boring, watering it everyday will make you look girlier girly. Do you want to choose Bulbasaur, the most useless pokemon?

-Yes
-No

yes please

"Are you kidding? Who the hell chooses a pathetic Bulbasaur as starting pokemon? Listen sonny... not that I am your biological father... Err, listen well, the game is called 'Pokemon Blue & Red' for some reason, so you got to choose one of the other 2 before that abominable frog. Think carefully again and choose again."

-Go out like a little crybaby
-Choose Charmander
-Choose Squirtle
-I insist, I don't want anything from you

brb crying in corner (outside)

What a loser. And you wanted to be a pokemon master? Now you don't have many options to choose from: you can't leave the town because you don't have a pokemon that will defend you from the dangers of the grass at the entrance (incidentally, worms and birds)
You can't do anything except live all your pathetic life in this miserable town composed of 3 houses. And now that you can't go back to the professor's lab the only choices you have left are:

-Go to rival's house
-Go back home

go to rival's house

And you were complaining about your house? Just look at this sh*t. It doesn't even have a second floor. Where does that gal sleep? Do every woman in this place sleep on the kitchen floor? OK, now that really doesn't matter right now. You arrived at your rival's house and notice that there's noone around except his cute sister... She's older than you, don't fool yourself. What do you want to do?

-Speak with the sis
-Look at the map on the wall
-Poke around the bookseller
-Go back to your house

"speak" with the sis